I’ve written 3 different incomplete blog posts tonight in one document as I have so much on my mind and it’s all flowing, but none of it makes a lick of sense together and I literally said out loud to myself, “What’s the point?”
I want to tell you about how I do this thing and withdraw from social media because I just don’t give a fuck about it and then I want to share a simple update on my health (no pity wanted/needed) and then I want to tell you how random this month has been. <<< Yes, that was a run on sentence for all of my grammar nazi’s out there. I want to remind you that we need to stop “shoulding” all over each other and ourselves. I also want to remind you that people around you are going through some serious shit in their lives and we really have an opportunity to practice more grace, love and kindness.
So, here I am tonight trying to articulate all the things. Maybe that “should’ encompass it all, but maybe I can figure out how to tie these thoughts together.
Are you game for this bit of randomness that is about to ensue? Here’s what’s on my mind….
Piece of Randomness #1
I do this thing.
I withdraw from being present on social media. I do it regularly. My coaches and my friends in the online space tell me I need to be consistent with my content. I don’t disagree.
But I still withdraw.
I simply don’t care to be present online when it feels like work. When I have to show up because that’s what the “social media construct” says that I have to do. I show up for things I love and am passionate about. Social media is not one of those things.
So, I withdraw.
You see, I simply don’t care what the social media “rules” are. I know from a business perspective what works and what doesn’t work. I have great social media pros around me. I tell clients what they need to be doing for social.And oh the irony, as I work with clients on all their strategies for marketing, visibility, communications. It all has a large amount of social. When it comes to my own personal social accounts, I couldn’t give 2 fucks, much less 1 most days.
Am I a hypocrite?
You may think yes, but I will have to disagree.
We get to choose.
Each and every day we get to choose how we show up, what we do, how we be, what we wear, say, eat, etc, etc. As a human BEing with that powerful knowledge and ability of choice, I have chosen to not be so present on all these platforms.
I may one day regret it, but I can’t really see that happening.
This may or may not be a permanent choice. Either way, I know that I will be ok with it because I chose it. It was not forced upon me.
I’m really choosing more and more where I want to be present and more often than not social is not really that place. I know that for business it would be good for me to stay consistent, but I think it’s time I really figure out why I am on social media and what do I want out of it.
You know what’s great?
How I show up or don’t show up on social media has ZERO impact on my clients. What matters is how I show up for my clients in person. It matters how present I am to their needs, vision and goals.
Piece of Randomness #2
October has been this very interesting month for me. Quiet, peaceful, a deep lull, lots of rest, lots of surrender, lots of meditation with my favorite playlist, lots of BEing, an underlying desire to DO. I really have wanted to do so much, but I physically and energetically couldn’t.
Initially, I tried to force things to happen and that backfired on me, so I very quickly shifted to ease. Ease and flow has been my thing all year. I lost it for a few months this summer, but got it back in late September. Even as I write this, trying to articulate how this month has been on an energetic and spiritual level is difficult. The month was not difficult though. I feel like I’ve been in total surrender. I’m allowing things to happen or not happen and staying in a space of peace and ease.
I’ve been super tapped into one of my new favorite groups called Beautiful Chorus and today as I was listening to a song called “I am connected”, I realized how deeply I am connected to myself right now. More than I have been in a long time. I was pretty fucking proud of myself, to be honest. I wouldn’t always acknowledge and love myself for these moments and realizations before.
While all of this has been going on, my health stuff has flared up because I still have moments where I am overdoing it. You see, what most of you don’t know is that more days than I care to admit I am sleeping 14-16 hours a day. My body is EXHAUSTED. I can barely keep my eyes open. Only a few close friends and my coaches and mentors have known the depth of this stuff. I’ve been showing up and being present and then coming home and literally crashing.
This is fucking hard. It goes against everything that I have been and do in my life. I’ve always been high functioning, but I have to admit; I was burning the candle at both ends. My DOing self is an over achiever to the highest degree. I have literally burnt myself out. There are people in my life who think I am lazy because I need to rest so much, so I have kept it close to the vest. I simply haven’t wanted or needed the judgment or opinions.
I’d love to be able to say that I am past all of this, but I am in the middle of healing my body. It’s a process and a journey that I will continue on until I am healed.
Here I am. All of me. Vulnerable. Raw. Open. Real.
Piece of Randomness #3
September was SUPER stressful and sad. Full of death and grief. Full of angst and worry. Full of setbacks in my health, life and work. September was the end of a 90 day stretch of travel, major heartbreak, massive breakthroughs and so much love. I drove to LA for a 4 day retreat in mid-September that changed my soul and my trajectory.
We all have stories that we tell ourselves. We have been selling ourselves a bunch of bullshit and lies. This is me raising my hand admitting that I’m still telling myself stories today. I just catch them quicker.
I have faced so many layers of my stories, but there was one that was so deep that I never looked for it. I thought it was fear. Then I thought it was rejection. They were both present, but there was something deeper I needed to uncover and face.
I didn’t love myself.
I couldn’t even say it out loud.
Even typing it now it brings tears to my eyes to share this. This is deeply personal.
I have faced some awful, evil, malicious shit that was dished out to me and over time I stopped loving myself. I stopped feeling worthy and good enough. I wasn’t deserving. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Judging myself so very harshly.
I have so much love to give. I gave it freely to others, but I withheld it from myself. Going into this retreat, my goal was to love myself when I came out of it. This retreat was amazing, but it required devotion to peeling back the layers and facing your shit.
I’m always fascinated and surprised at the layers that we keep uncovering as we dive deeper into our souls. Just when we think we’ve dealt with an old story or layer, a new and different light is shed on it from another angle.
This life is full of growth and lessons. I will continue to be willing to grow and learn on this journey.
Looking back at October I think that part of my lesson this month has been about self love. Allowing myself grace. Allowing myself to BE in the moments. To remember to be in ease and flow. To give forgiveness….to myself.
I am love. I love me. I love you.
Photo taken by me in East Mesa, AZ – Aug 2019